Stay...You are stronger than you know

I wanted to die that day
I wanted the pain I was feeling
to go away

No one heard me 
when I would say
"I don't like him
keep him away"

To them I was just a child
what did a child know, anyway?

I knew I felt dirty
I knew I felt fear
I knew I couldn't stand
to have him near.

Every piece of me
was disappearing.

 I retreated into my own space
I lived within my own confines
~trying to decide
how to leave this pain behind

Sleep was my way of escape
oh how wonderful would it be
if I could sleep for eternity?

I swallowed the pills
and I laid down to sleep
waiting for peace to comfort me

There was this light
and a little girl

She looked like me when I still smiled
She took my hand
we walked for awhile
 "You must stay." she said

There is a reason I'm still here
though it isn't always quite clear.
But these are the words I continue to hear
and will continue to show...
"You are stronger than you know"

Pinky Promise

I pinky promise 
I will stay.

Once upon a while ago
I made a choice that I had to go
I couldn't stand the pain any more
I was embarrassed to be seen
I was afraid of what you might think
If you knew what had happened to me.

I carried the shame of someone else's evil
I carried the guilt of another's bad deed
He walked around with his head in the clouds
While I shuffled with my eyes to the ground.

I couldn't stand to feel the way I was feeling
pain pulled at my heart
pain tugged at my soul
pain suffocated my will
pain destroyed my hope.

So thoughts to end it all
creeped in
No one would miss me
It would be better for them if I wasn't here.
Oh the things you think 
When you're deep in fear.

So I gave up
I swallowed them all
I drifted away
I heard a small girls voice call
"Stay, you are stronger than you know."
Curiosity seems to have gotten the better of me.
I wanted to know just what she did see.

And what do you know...
Though life isn't easy
I am stronger
than the pain
that tried to consume me!

Suicides so far in 2016 34720. Average yearly stats for suicides is 30,000
suicide claims more deaths than accidents, homicides, and war combined. And many cases of suicide, particularly in the elderly, go completely undetected and unaccounted.

Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for ages 10-24.
Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for college-age youth and ages 12-18.
More teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza, and chronic lung disease, COMBINED.
Each day in our nation, there are an average of over 5,240 attempts by young people grades 7-12.

Four out of Five teens who attempt suicide have given clear warning signs


When you look at me 
What is the first thing you see?
I'm a white woman!

But, what else is there to me...?

I''m of average height
I'm neither over weight nor
too skinny.

I am comfortable in my skin
happy with my body
I think too much
I dream of possibilities
I have failed
But I didn't give up
I have fallen
found my way back up.

I laugh now
as often as I can
I smile
just because

 There is still more to me
That you can not see...

I was abused as a child
You wouldn't know that 
I attempted suicide 
Something else you can't see 
~just by looking at me

I loved a man deeply
Thought he would protect me
be my everything;

You can't see the pain
that followed when
our future together
didn't last

I fight depression
a lot.
Society says I should be ashamed 
to ask for help when the pain gets too much.
Some days I'm ashamed to admit I need help
I want my children to see 
strength in me.

I have amazing children!
 I wouldn't have
them if I hadn't fought through the pain

 I'm complicated
I'm funny
I'm grateful to still be alive

These are things you wouldn't see
unless you look deeper into me
and not assume~ 
All that I am 
is just a white woman.

~we can not all be the boring would life be if we were?
~lets keep our hearts open
~All life matters
Lets not judge each other but celebrate each other for the path we have walked and survived!
Who are you?

Finding me

I think I've lost something
I felt that feeling 
something is missing
But I couldn't say

I sat too long in hopes
I would remember
just what 
had gone away

I stood up
to walk around
that feeling of loss
wouldn't go away

I stared out the window
in hopes my mind
would reach out and find

I tried to distracted my thoughts
by not thinking
"what could be missing?"

Maybe, it would find me.

That didn't work well
the loss was heavy on my mind
I needed to know
what have I left behind?

It was like a black hole 
filled the space 
where memories
had once been placed.

The struggle my thoughts 
put to my mind
made me wonder
was it me I had left behind?

I live in a world where my thoughts are my own
I haven't shared my dreams 
with anyone.

I've built a safe around my self 
where even I have lost the key.

Maybe the something I have forgotten

Your soul to keep

I want to float:
 with the wind
I want to sail 
on top of the ocean,
glide next to the waves
before their 
anger is broken.

I want to feel:
the beat of a warm heart
pounding within my chest
to a rhythm 
that knows no pain.

I want to touch:
beauty in a kiss
tears of joy
happiness in love
a kind mind
a true embrace.

I want to hear:
lost words
never spoken
promises that will
never be broken.

I want to fly:
spread unseen wings
feel the sun heat each feather
warm my blood 
lift my soul
inhale breath
I want to fly