Love me?


I can't let you love me.

If I do ~
I'll have to share all of me.
And what if you can't 
handle all that I am?

The wall that I built
The humor I hide behind
The sarcasm I use
to keep them on their toes ~

It's what I do
To keep them away
So they can't see ~
I can't let them love me.

The pain 
The loneliness
The fear
That's kept inside
I've locked away from everyone.
For, It can't be used against me
When it's not shared.

It's not something I meant to do
It's just how things have become.
Maybe,
Under a bright moon
If the stars will align
I'll open my heart
And see
If I can let you love me.






Depression takes hold



How can I explain this pain to you?

It's as if you are standing at the edge
of a cliff
but
nothing is behind you
nothing in front of you
and darkness is falling 
down on you. 

There is no room to sit
The ground is breaking beneath your feet.
You can't move!
You scream
but you don't know if anyone 
will hear you.
You don't know if anyone will 
look for you.

The terrible things that leak 
from your mind
Telling you
"You're out of time."

Suddenly there isn't enough air to breathe.
Your lungs become hungry.
Your eyes dry
Your throat empty
No sounds are allowed to pass.

Your heart beats~ 
but with each beat
It's a punch to your lungs
That already can not inflate.

These are the feelings I feel
When depression
takes hold of me.







Depression smiles



I was raised hearing the phrase
"Laugh and the world laughs with you
Cry and you cry alone."

I believed it
I lived it
And yet, I feel alone.

I made them laugh
and when I did
They stayed.
When the laughter stopped
They went away.
How could I not believe such a phrase?

I tested the theory:
I cried! 
They said
"I don't know what to do
if it is you
that isn't smiling."

Sad but true
some don't know what to do
does that mean they shouldn't try?

So, I dried my eyes
and only cry
when the world isn't watching.

A lonely place to be.

A comedian's dream is to have you laugh
But who makes sure 
The comedian
laughs too?






Depression sleeps



No one will say
 ~ I'm not enough
No one will say 
~They aren't comforted by my touch.

My Dreams are where
I am able to hide...
from the sting of words,
and all that hate
within their eyes.

I tried to be what they wanted 
me to be.
But, even then,
They turned on me.

So, In my dreams
I lock them out
I hide away 
I shut out all doubt.

I'm who I think I want to be
When no one else is judging me.
No one can hurt me in here.

No one, 
In here, ignores
~my fears.



Fighting depression


Everyday, 
I live with depression.
In every way
I fend it off.

Some days it creeps up on me
Other days~
It hits me full force in my face

It's an all consuming darkness
It brings with it
pain and despair.

It engulfs my lungs
It pokes holes in my heart
Drains my soul.
Tells my brain
"You are worthless!"

It's as if I am fighting to close a door
But, depression is almost as strong as me
Somedays, it's stronger than me.

I'll hide away
So none can see
Just how much pain
Depression can be.

I don't want everyone to see
How really
small and insignificant 
I feel to be.










Don't wait...Do!

I'd leave a light on,
for you~
Well, that is 
if I knew~
Somehow,
 you would want me to.

I'd wait, 
for you~
I'd count the days 
I'd pass the hours
I'd watch the seconds
tick by...
If somehow I knew~
you would want me to.

I'd stay awake,
for you~
I'd walk a mile
or two~
If I knew
you would be there~
to hold on to.

What a crazy thing to do,
for you~

If the light is on
and time in on my side
I'll not wait,
for you~

I've got so much living to do,
 places to see
 bodies to hold
voices to hear
and eyes to see.

I'll not wait 
for anyone~
Other than me!