When We Listen

I am Lovable I live within a darkened room deep below a well guarded castle.  Outside my door stands Vulnerable. Vulnerable carries a long sharp sword he has named it pain. Pain is the key~to everything. No one has yet been able to get close to me if they try Pain is who they will meet. Beyond the room where Vulnerable resides   a spiral staircase is seen We call her Love. Miles and miles in length she is and at the top outside her door ~Lies resides. Lies covers the floor ready to grab anyone untrue Anyone who has managed to get past the gate. The gate we call Trust. Trust isn't easy to get past. Trust is strong, runs deep, and holds true. Trust stands behind desire. Knowing Desire needs to be watched. Desire is our drawbridge she keeps all of us held tight within these walls determined to keep us safe. Trying to keep others out. Desire has weaknesses she knows about. Passion is the moat that circles these

Park bench built for two How odd I sit and wait for you. I know you won't come You never do But, I'll sit and wait and hope today is the day you do. Sounds silly when I say it out loud "Just once,  I'd like, to not see your face in a crowd." I can envision you anywhere I can envision you with anyone. It's seeing you with me ~ That's the key! I hear laughter and I have to look Sadly, it wasn't you. I smell your cologne and follow the scent It leads me somewhere I've never been. I read a sign that reminds me of you Crazy, everything brings me to you ~ but you. Did you have to go? I've wished you back a million times Then I read the note that I've held onto for so long ~ "Taken too soon but never forgotten" That's still as far as I've gotten.

How can I explain this pain to you? It's as if you are standing at the edge of a cliff but nothing is behind you nothing in front of you and darkness is falling  down on you.  There is no room to sit The ground is breaking beneath your feet. You can't move! You scream but you don't know if anyone  will hear you. You don't know if anyone will  look for you. The terrible things that leak  from your mind Telling you "You're out of time." Suddenly there isn't enough air to breathe. Your lungs become hungry. Your eyes dry Your throat empty No sounds are allowed to pass. Your heart beats~  but with each beat It's a punch to your lungs That already can not inflate. These are the feelings I feel When depression takes hold of me.

I was raised hearing the phrase "Laugh and the world laughs with you Cry and you cry alone." I believed it I lived it And yet, I feel alone. I made them laugh and when I did They stayed. When the laughter stopped They went away. How could I not believe such a phrase? I tested the theory: I cried!  They said "I don't know what to do if it is you that isn't smiling." Sad but true some don't know what to do does that mean they shouldn't try? So, I dried my eyes and only cry when the world isn't watching. A lonely place to be. A comedian's dream is to have you laugh But who makes sure  The comedian laughs too?

No one will say  ~ I'm not enough No one will say  ~They aren't comforted by my touch. My Dreams are where I am able to hide... from the sting of words, and all that hate within their eyes. I tried to be what they wanted  me to be. But, even then, They turned on me. So, In my dreams I lock them out I hide away  I shut out all doubt. I'm who I think I want to be When no one else is judging me. No one can hurt me in here. No one,  In here, ignores ~my fears.

Everyday,  I live with depression. In every way I fend it off. Some days it creeps up on me Other days~ It hits me full force in my face It's an all consuming darkness It brings with it pain and despair. It engulfs my lungs It pokes holes in my heart Drains my soul. Tells my brain "You are worthless!" It's as if I am fighting to close a door But, depression is almost as strong as me Somedays, it's stronger than me. I'll hide away So none can see Just how much pain Depression can be. I don't want everyone to see How really small and insignificant  I feel to be.

Excuses drip from the walls thick as molasses Lies cover the floor waiting to be believed Shadows dance around the light  that has snuck in through broken windows. Dust covers the frames that once held smiling faces An echo of a child's laugh floats through the air. If not for the echo There would be no sound  anywhere. The spiders and flies  took their dance elsewhere Even this place is to dark  for them. No soul left to fill the void No whisper of any tenant  at all. This place they call Misery~ No one should want to be. It tries to hold on to others  It tries to belong Misery loves company "They say" But no company would take Misery on!