When We Listen

How can I explain this pain to you? It's as if you are standing at the edge of a cliff but nothing is behind you nothing in front of you and darkness is falling  down on you.  There is no room to sit The ground is breaking beneath your feet. You can't move! You scream but you don't know if anyone  will hear you. You don't know if anyone will  look for you. The terrible things that leak  from your mind Telling you "You're out of time." Suddenly there isn't enough air to breathe. Your lungs become hungry. Your eyes dry Your throat empty No sounds are allowed to pass. Your heart beats~  but with each beat It's a punch to your lungs That already can not inflate. These are the feelings I feel When depression takes hold of me.

I was raised hearing the phrase "Laugh and the world laughs with you Cry and you cry alone." I believed it I lived it And yet, I feel alone. I made them laugh and when I did They stayed. When the laughter stopped They went away. How could I not believe such a phrase? I tested the theory: I cried!  They said "I don't know what to do if it is you that isn't smiling." Sad but true some don't know what to do does that mean they shouldn't try? So, I dried my eyes and only cry when the world isn't watching. A lonely place to be. A comedian's dream is to have you laugh But who makes sure  The comedian laughs too?

No one will say  ~ I'm not enough No one will say  ~They aren't comforted by my touch. My Dreams are where I am able to hide... from the sting of words, and all that hate within their eyes. I tried to be what they wanted  me to be. But, even then, They turned on me. So, In my dreams I lock them out I hide away  I shut out all doubt. I'm who I think I want to be When no one else is judging me. No one can hurt me in here. No one,  In here, ignores ~my fears.

Everyday,  I live with depression. In every way I fend it off. Some days it creeps up on me Other days~ It hits me full force in my face It's an all consuming darkness It brings with it pain and despair. It engulfs my lungs It pokes holes in my heart Drains my soul. Tells my brain "You are worthless!" It's as if I am fighting to close a door But, depression is almost as strong as me Somedays, it's stronger than me. I'll hide away So none can see Just how much pain Depression can be. I don't want everyone to see How really small and insignificant  I feel to be.

Excuses drip from the walls thick as molasses Lies cover the floor waiting to be believed Shadows dance around the light  that has snuck in through broken windows. Dust covers the frames that once held smiling faces An echo of a child's laugh floats through the air. If not for the echo There would be no sound  anywhere. The spiders and flies  took their dance elsewhere Even this place is to dark  for them. No soul left to fill the void No whisper of any tenant  at all. This place they call Misery~ No one should want to be. It tries to hold on to others  It tries to belong Misery loves company "They say" But no company would take Misery on!

I wanna believe I wanna see I wanna know There is happily to be. Where do you look When you want to find That next challenge  for your heart  to be blind? You know that feeling... When they first see you? Those eyes light up Those lips part A slight lick of their lips  and you find... This is the moment This is the time This is the one  always on your mind. Where are they though? Where is that moment to be? You finding yourself  Looking too closely? "They" say when you aren't looking you will find the one who will blow your mind. "They" say a lot of things! Some are fun to say too. Some just make me  sad. The one about  "Letting them go  and hope they find their way...back" That one happens too much Makes me wonder... Why they just can't stay.

Let us sit and enjoy the silence Hear the water rushing by us to give the river all the pain inside us Yes, lets enjoy the silence. Watching the leaves as they fall to the ground Then carried away by the sound of the wind racing from tree to tree If only the wind could carry me. Hearing the birds as they squawk to  one another Then something that sounds like laughter ~ makes me shudder. To fly through the sky To have wings Then I could do anything. Lets just sit and enjoy the silence no cars rushing by us no phones squeaking at us time could just be still I could tell you how I feel. You have to go...? Too many calls Too many to dos  I am just one of too many things you must do. Then I'll just sit here and hear the silence. Wishing Time hadn't flew by us.